i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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