apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
