i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
