You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize
