you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
