You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I think I just shit out all my problems.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
