i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
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