Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
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