i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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