Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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