Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
