I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
