Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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