mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
