I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
