My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
