She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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