Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
