After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
