Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
you made out with another girl for some wings
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
