just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
