I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
