What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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