Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
