Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
