this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
