i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
whose parrot is this?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
