she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
