im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
