I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
