if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
