I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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