The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
