its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
