She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
