My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
