i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i wish my penis had a tongue
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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