There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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