his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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