I wish I only lived at night.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
