____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
