I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm at about main and main street
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
