Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
