I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
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