Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
