Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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