To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
