i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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