i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
