I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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