Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
